2.21.2009

Music To Make Love To Your Old ROBOT By...



That person that you are intimate with this Valentine's Day season... it is a ROBOT. Stripped of all its' humanity and selfhood, whether biological or synthetic, it is a ROBOT. When you finally come to this realization, the inevitable question arises. How am I going to sexually impress this automaton and get its' wrinkly bag of cogs in the sack? Well my friend, have no fear. I am well trained in the arts of seducing ROBOTS.

ROBOTS love to be talked to in binary but you can't just say, "I want your one in my zero." Remember who your audience is. You're not dealing with any android off the street. A lovely, regal ROBOT has decided to grace you with its' presence. This will take charisma and tact. Start with a compliment, like, "Your hair looks as lovely as zero zero one zero [Enter]." Or maybe, "You make my vocal cords ROFL [Enter]."

Bring out some of your finest champagne flutes and fill them with battery acid. The acid must be fully charged with positive ions and chilled at exactly 38 degrees fahrenheit. Any derivation from this temperature, and the ROBOT which you are still trying to impress will know within 1.34 seconds.

Next comes the music.

If your ROBOT has been approved by the CEC, FBI and NAMBLA - then these auditory selections are guaranteed to commence its' love programming.




If approved by the EUROPEAN SPACE AGENCY then these auditory selections will excite your ROBOT'S spark plugs.




If rejected by the aforementioned standardized institutions then throw a slew of these tune's on your phonograph and get ready for a mechanical hedonistic trisket.


There was a young man named Kleene
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It fit either sex,
And was remarkably easy to clean!
(Limerick, attributed to John von Neumann)

To Learn More - Visit this Blog and Watch this Video

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