12.25.2010

SEXXX-Mass Truth Nuggets and 2010 in Review


Speaking on Jesus' behalf, I would be going cat shit over the fact that people adhere to this concept of being naughty or nice in exchange for gifts. It's his goddamned birthday, you forgetful bastards. Yeah, you might go to midnight mass. But, once that shit ends your balls deep in opening presents and forget all about his vagina friendly birth. Immaculate conception? That shit must've been like "Tom Cruise on Oprah" crazy.

Besides, back in Jesus' day people were more concerned with not being eaten by dinosaurs and making it to the ripe old age of 30. So I'm like almost 100% that he doesn't give a steaming pile of fresh turd juice about how many presents you received or didn't receive. I would think he's more upset that everyone forgets to wish him a happy birthday on his wall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moving on, like all blogs around this time of year, I am obligated to share with you some sort of list that recaps the year. So I have been doing a lot of hard thinking as of late in regards to my favorite and least favorite shows I have attended over 2010. Enjoy (to the 4 people that read my posts)!

Least Favorite Shows of 2010

Dishonorable Mention: Classixx @ Brooklyn Bowl, Al-P (of MSTRKRFT) @ Webster Hall, and 2 Many DJ's @ Coachella

# 3 - Ed Banger 7th Anniversary Party: It wasn't that the music was bad, just that Terminal 5 is a terrible venue and Justice's set was a HUGE let down in comparison to the Halloween set I saw a few months earlier. A 45 minute set doesn't do them Justice...

# 2 - Busy P @ Hiro Ballroom: I know that he was totally wasted, and had no interest in mixing songs together, but seriously he should have played something new, or, at the very least, something good. After seeing him almost 5 times now, he seems to be getting worse. Hiro Ballroom was the most recent show I've attended of his, and it will certainly be the last.

# 1 - SebastiAn @ Webster Hall: In the same night as the Ed Banger 7th Anniversary Party, I was hoping that a very rare Sebastian set would ameliorate my already disappointing night. Well, I was wrong. VERY WRONG. He opened with a track that looped a 1 minute sample, and just kept turning up the volume. Not only was that shit track super fucking repetitive (he played it for 10 minutes), it was so loud that all you could hear was distortion. Then the rest of the set was completely unmixed, and just sounded absolutely horrid. No wonder he doesn't do sets often...

Favorite Shows of 2010

Honorable Mention: Erol Alkan @ Electric Zoo, Aeroplane @ Coachella, and Vitalic @ Webster Hall

# 3 - YUKSEK (DJ Set) @ Hiro Ballroom: Nothing will compare to his live sets (best show I've ever seen) but his DJ set was still fucking awesome. I guess I should preface that this was not just Yuksek performing. It was actually Yuksek and Brodinski dj'ing together under the stage name The Krays. However, it was blatantly obvious when Yuksek was laying down tracks. Even so, the two together were phenomenal for a DJ set (and I think I was the only person there that didn't speak French).

# 2 - Chemical Brothers @ Electric Zoo: I remember first hearing them back when they dropped Block Rockin' Beats when I was 11. Since then I have listened and bought most of their work, which I have highly enjoyed throughout the years. However, though I have always put them in the highest echelon of electronic artists, their sound just isn't as fresh as Daft Punk's. So in regards to highly touted/budgeted tours of EDM greats, Chemical Brother's absolutely AMAZING video/light show comes in second behind Daft Punk's 2006-2007 world tour. Still, it was hands down best show at E Zoo, even though they lost power with 15 minutes left to go (only to regain it 5 minutes later and finish their set).

# 1 - The Twelves @ Santos Party House: I didn't even debate the possibility of putting the Chemical Brother's outrageous set in the number 1 spot. The fact is that the Twelves' are just that good that I almost put them in the #1 & #2 spot for both times I saw them this year. They have no gimmicks, and just string together their unreal remixes in the funkiest of ways. I don't know what else to say, but for you to go see them!

Well that's it for this year, but looking forward to a new year of a shows!!


12.16.2010

Let's see ZERO emotion in your face.


From LACA it's Canned Heat. Here are their two big hits. My favorite member, Alan Wilson (AKA Blind Owl) wrote most of the songs.



12.15.2010

sah mach sah graht

Hands down to magma depths earth's core. LSD rock, go.

The Smoke - My Friend Jack


The Lords - Poor Boy


The Pretty Things - Come See Me

12.08.2010

triple dog dare

Jason Schwartzman's band Coconut Records is really good. These two songs are off of Davy.




12.02.2010

Human After All

So in 5 more days Daft Punk is set to release their newest album. As I am sure you know, its not a true studio album, rather its the musical score to the second installment of the Tron series. Still, I know that everyone on earth is all up in arms, being like, "I can't fucking wait for the new Daft Punk album to come out!!!" As one of those individuals, I have decided to step back from all the excitement to prepare myself for potential disappointment.

Despite being hands down the best electronic music tandem, I can't remember the last time I got down to a musical score. Since the album will feature a full orchestra, it only aids the presumption that Daft Punk intends for this to be heard in coordination with the movie, not a dance floor.

In a recent Pitchfork interview, Daft Punk's Thomas Bangalter explained his rationale for implementing classical music and live instruments in their new album, "A cello was there 400 years ago and will still be here in 400 years. But synthesizers that were invented 20 years ago will probably be gone in the next 20." That sounds great and is a testament to their abilities, but I wanted a vintage French House album. If you remove the 808 drum machine and synths that made you famous, what are we left with? Not another Discovery or Homework, that's for sure.

It has taken 5 years for Daft Punk to put out a new album, and I am hopeful it will be better than the pre-released single Derezzed that came out on Itunes a few weeks back. Regardless, it's still Daft Punk, and everything they touch usually turns to gold. Even if it does sound more like a movie score than a dance album, I am sure its going to be a damn good soundtrack. But for now, I will wait and continue to listen to these classic radio mixes that still blow my mind.


11.22.2010

DD(DBM)T


With records like If Music Be the Food of Love...Prepare for Indigestion and If No One Sang... it can be surmised that Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich are just five guys who let other people to finish their sentences. Mind gaming was one of the emerging trends in 1960s British poprock that never fully emerged. Don't let that silly album cover fool you--these guys are seriously good musicians! Also, there are five of them so I'm not sure where the other two were. Maybe uncomfortable with the photo shoot.

Hold Tight! is one of my favorites. For a long time, until last week, I though they were singing "shut your ass" when really it is "shut your eyes."




If anyone can tell what the announcer is saying they get a prize and a translation job.


11.17.2010

SUPER HAWT BLOG TIME

I don't know where it came from, but the word "awesome" needs to leave my vocabulary. I am not that awesome, and seriously most of us aren't because that word is reserved for Jesus, not yourself (you selfish bastard). Did you get super ridiculous headaches and develop a split personality that can speak to God? No? That's right because you're not that fucking awesome, so stop using it interchangeably with your state of being.

You know what is awesome? Real life. What is real life, you ask? It's downing a bottle of sleeping pills with rubbing alcohol while enjoying a pack of menthol cigarettes. It's buying a gun with its serial number defaced, and then using it on your parents because they owe you protection money. It's getting punched in the face with a paternity suit over that love child your mother bore for you. It's ripping your sexual organs off in a fit of rage over the last episode of Gossip Girl. It's crossing the street only to get hit by a steaming pile of human excrement, immediately followed by a bus. It's living in Florida. Actually, check that. Living in Florida is far from real life, and more closely resembles treating a yeast infection with hot sauce.

All things considered, I have come to the conclusion that my life could use a reality check. I guess I should have seen The Swiss a few months ago, but missed them because, as I stated previously, I am not that awesome. The Swiss are a disco band of sorts, and hopefully they will come back so I can bestow upon them my wisdom regarding what is real life. Here is a video of them performing at the show I missed. UGH! SUICIDE!



Also, here's a sick jam by them called Bubble Bath...


11.09.2010

i wear a hat and mittens to bed

Awesome artist I cannot remember.

Seriously the house is freezing. It is colder insider than outside. It is hard to do things wearing two jackets and holding cups with gloves on ends in broken glass and hearts.

Eggstone is a great band I have been listening to a lot this week and they are from Sweden. All of these songs are off of Vive La Différence! (Vibrafon, 1997). I think of them as a mix between Crowded House and Squeeze.

il trascurato


head around


taramasalata


still all stand still

11.05.2010

Dubstep is fuck'n WACK!!!!

So its been even longer since the last mother fucking time I posted anything, and I'm super sorry. Im so sorry, sorry, sorry. I've been on a tear lately going to as many shows as humanly possible. That's kinda a problem tho. You see, electronic shows are outrageously horrible for your brain. Plus, I've seen every act I have wanted too, so I think I'm gonna chill out for a little while...

Actually, no fuck that. I'm still going to shows on a weekly basis. But, its become blatantly apparent there's a virus thats been spreading across the indie electronic scene like a plague. Its fucking dub step. It keeps bringing in these 10 year old kids to electro/minimal house/synth disco shows with hopes that they will hear a shit wobbly bass line. Go home, and let the old people dance to real music.

If you think Burial, Rusko, Skream, or, much much much worse, Major Lazor is good, do yourself a favor and kill yourself. Since most popular dubstep has roots grounded in elements found within commercialized rap prevalent in the 2000's, I realize I'm dealing with people that never connected with the essence of true hip hop. You know, everything that was produced before 1996. I already thought you people were already a disgrace to the hip hop industry, but now that you have bastardized electronic music, its time for you to quit life permanently.

Dub step is terrible. It sucks. Go away. Your shit bass lines, unbelievably repetitive hooks, and lack of high hats make me wanna puke. I would rather listen to Orbital's Halcyon On + On for the rest of eternity, and that song gets fucking old pretty god damned fast. I will admit that the days of the "electro banger" in 2007-2008 are gone. But that it's been replaced by dub step in popularity only strengthens my perception that the quality of music since that time has seriously turned for the worse.

I could talk about how I hate dub step for hours, but I digress. Instead, let me introduce to you Erol Alkan. He's been around forever, and has been considered one of the best experimental electro dj's for years, but his cosmic disco sound has really caught my ear over the last year. He was the best show at Electric Zoo this year, and blew me away at Coachella as well. He released this mixtape two weeks ago for a tour he's doing in Japan, and its pretty fucking awesome. Check it out mannnnnnnnnnnnnn


10.31.2010

it is exactly



I was a sea world trainer for Halloween. I made my two friends be orcas and carry me on their backs. I did not get hit in the face by anyone and I went rock climbing in a banana suit. Hello, November.

10.19.2010

Hollow Dreams and Hussy Housekeepers

Yann Arthus-Bertrand; Military cemetery in Verdun, France

I am going to be Jacques Cousteau or a Sea World trainer or a seal for the dumbest holiday ever. Hate it can't stand it. Where I live everyone dresses like an asshole and gets drunk everyday. Add candy and Übermenschasshole be free.

Right now my roommates are busy being pretentious and shitting themselves over David Foster Wallace and their art. I'd rather it be Halloween. Get me my wetsuit.

I went to New Mexico last week. Sick ol' dudes pretending to do bike tricks and more gauged ears than...I actually had no idea this was still something people pursued outside of cultural practices.

Now they are reading aloud excerpts of DFW short stories. I'm going to go pour myself some jug wine and unsheathe my TeenVogue from it's pristine plastic wrapping. Perfume samples and Taylor Momsen making out with all ten of the Culkin brothers!

Back to New Mexico. It was great. I saw Jenny Invert. They are like half of Grand Canyon with a new adult contemporary post-post-neoalternativedavidfosterwallaceÜbermenschmentioning spin. Check it. They are so good--and I hear that I began the process of coercing them into a New York Tour de Dance. I danced until my 1990s ill-fitting floral dress was soaked in gnarly bad-smelling sweat. My hosts were both hospitable and informative. They were also annoying and shoving their love in my face. I don't care how you feel fix my bike let me eat your cereal. Lots of bike riding/carpe diem-ing. (I feel shame; I rode a lime green fixed gear bicycle. I haven't slept in two days and I think this has something to do with it.)

Now the roommates are giving life advice to each other in terms of how to cope after graduating from college. We are all still in college. This is a battle of wits. I hope it turns into a physical fight. (Our rent is cheap enough that one less roommate would be feasible, right Mom and Dad?) No. The dynamic needs to be this way. Wrestle.

The Cramps

Domino


Surfin' Bird


9.26.2010

Portishead's Producer Changing Gears.

Geoff Barrow has a long and varied career as a musician. He collaborated with Depeche Mode, Massive Attack and Primal Scream back in the day. But he is most famous for his contributions to Portishead.

Geoff was the main man behind Portishead's deep azz electric boogaloo. Boogy fo sho. In fact, Portishead's live recordings at Roseland NYC are actually some of the best live recordings I think I've ever heard. It sounds like they are in a studio.

When I went through a particularly depressing phase of my life the song "Over" basically came to define who I was. Looking back on it now, it was a bit too dramatic... if you listen to the song you will know what I mean. But wow, the way Beth Gibbons controls her voice is so deliberate and powerful. She sends shivers through this old man.

So we have established that Geoff is a talented dude. His next project is this ditty called "Anika". Kind of a weird Asian pop mixed with Le Tigre and Stereo Total. It's pretty good and now out on Stones Throw, which is a good label.



9.23.2010

Bippity Bippity Bop


If I've learned anything over the years it's that I love wizards. I love wizards, I love what they wear, I love what they do. I love wizardry.

Some people say their parents are their heroes or Michael Jordan, who incidentally I just found out played for the Wizards basketball team (no doubt a glaring hint to the public that he himself is a wizard). My heroes are wizards.

Wizards, like other people have likes and dislikes. They pretty much only like magic though so here are things I have learned that wizards superhate:

-Fake Wizards (including Harry Potter, the big guy with the soft-looking white hair in The Lord of the Rings, and Mickey Mouse in Fantasia)
-Halloween (lots of boisterous fake wizards asking for treats and threatening tricks, which is funny because only real wizards can do tricks so they are ruining their costume's illusion)
-Dragons (they burn wizards with their throat flames accidentally)
-Strawberries (I have only been able to get the confirmation of five wizard's on this one)
-The idiotic idea that you can learn wizardry (you either have powers or you do not have powers SORRY!)


Here are sample songs that are on a lot of wizard mixes (played on cordless boomboxes made of stardust and wires):

Dwight Twilley - Looking for the Magic
Off the notoriously famous 1977 release Twilley Don't Mind.


The Birds - Say Those Magic Words


David Bowie - Dance Magic
He is actually a wizard by the way.


JK & Co. - Magic Fingers of Minerva


Sunset Rubdown - Magic vs. Midas

9.18.2010

How I Love James Cameron

Oh James Cameron, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Ok, so I really don't think your movies are the best. They are damn good, definitely above mediocre. But to me their just a bit too flat, too two dimensional. You're all special effects and no cattle. So the reason for my sycophancy is not that you make ze bezt movies, but that you do such cool shit with your money.

Let's be honest, you made a pile of wet stinky cash bigger than Godzillaz's flaming elbow (shout's to Emily's dad!). You deserve the money and I am happy for you. But what really tickles me pink is the fact that you spend your money developing submarines that dive deeper than any other on the planet! High Fives all over the place!

Seriously, when I daydream about being rich, I would do the same things as you. I am not so jealous of your money, but what your money has allowed you to work on. I love oceanic exploration and scuba diving. I think we need a lot more money to be involved in researching vessels to explore the deep and to withstand the tremendous amounts of pressure involved with being 36,500 feet below the surface.

What's seven miles below the ocean surface in the Mariana Trench? I have no f*ing clue and I wanna know by-golly!

So thank you James Cameron for doing such cool shit and making me happy.

9.11.2010

N.C.S.U. WOLFPACK


The radio show is back on, new and improved at the least convenient time! (Guess who forgot to properly submit an application?) Go to this website on Wednesdays from 5-6 PM (yes) and click listen.

The Seeds



Can't Seem to Make You Mine


Mr. Farmer



Live version from 1968.

9.06.2010

Is this good?

DJ Shadow (aka Josh Davis) occupies a special place en mi corazon.

My mom never breast fed me because her breasts couldn't lactate milk. True story. Instead, her mammary glands reproduced Shadow's electric rhythms and sugary percussion hits in the highest of fidelities. Titty-hi-fi. This nourishment of vibrations traveled down my esophagus, through my stomach's sphincter and deep into the core of my gut where it still resides. The funk never left. I gotta whole bag of funk in my 1985 Oldsmobile trunk.

Entroducing was just a naughty sandwich sprinkled with rainbow sprinkles. I still think Dan the Automator should probably get more credit for that album than Shadow, but whatev. The cleanliness of the Private Press was due to the lack of any collaboration with His Automator-ness. Cleanliness in this instance being more on the pejorative side. Dan is the bringer of all that is dirty, just look at the difference between the first Gorillaz album and the second. While I listened to the second a lot, the first still has more replay value. Anyway, I digress.

Undoubtedly the Private Press and Entroducing were Mr. Davis' finest offerings. The live stuff is wicka-wicka-wild-wild-west also but it's a different experience. You don't have the hermetically sealed zip lock taste with the live stuff. Freeze was very poorly recorded. This was unfortunate too because them's some tasty corn fritters. Not to say that you shouldn't eat it. You should. It will make your LDL's and Triglyceride levels jump off charts.

Shadow came out with The Outsider in '06. Everyone talked a lot of shit on this album so there is little need for me to add much here. Suffice to say it's like your parents saying their disappointed. The funk was still locked in that trunk, don't get me wrong. It gave me optimism in my hour of need.

So now you have his latest which brings us full circle to the title of this entry. Is this good? Because I think it isn't. Or at the very least I am confused. It sounds like early 90's industrial techno, more specifically drum and bass. I love Aphex Twin but no one can be Aphex Twin but Aphex Twin. To get on that level you need synesthesia.

It doesn't bring me anywhere special. It doesn't push any boundaries or special buttons. In fact, he is pushing too many buttons - computer and MPC ones. He used to rub his fingers on the wax and added the MPC for flair. Now its one giant Starcraft love-fest.

You can't fight the funk and because of that I am still optimistic but cautiously.

Keep your fingers crossed mi amigos.

9.01.2010

Who wants my AIDS!!!!

Sorry for the 2 month hiatus but I've been out sick with bed bugs. I've missed you all so much. Before I embark on my non-sensical rant about nothing, eat a jelly donut then tell your mom you have sexual fantasies of playing Twister with Rasputin, Alfred Hitchcock, and Justin Beiber.

ANYWAY, during my hiatus I've come to the conclusion that for the longest time all I've wanted to do was smoke crack with you people then suck a large dong at an asian soup factory. If you don't like it, then you can find out where doodys go when I flush the toilet. FACE!

Sarah Jessica Parker once asked me if I knew my way around a 1099 Tax Form, and I quickly retorted, "Fuck that shit, I make a living shoplifting VCR's at Best Buy." She winced with agony and slowly returned to the sewers where she broods terrible movies/shows. Soon after, a man using chopsticks as legs told me that he found Jesus inside a fortune cookie.

Music!!!


CLASSIC JAMES BOND

I am going to be re-posting some classic James Bond film reviews that I wrote a while ago. While not the most original thing I have ever done, I feel that somewhere deep inside of you, you yearn for these reviews. Just sit down and believe you me when I tell you me that these things are good for you (me).

And with that, I give you Thunderball.

Thunderballz! I started watching the 4th installation of the James Bond series on Thanksgiving morning with high hopes.

Opening Sequence – The thunderball theme song is sung by the man hisselph – Tom Jones. While I am not too partial to men singing the 007 theme song, Mister Jones is quite fitting. His highs are exhilarating and his lows more so. Also – Tom Jones is somewhat of a Bond. While he doesn’t work for MI-6, he does get down with tons of voluptuous 60’s booty. I bet he got more tail than Sean Connery and Roger Moore combined. The visual stimuli is pretty nice. Cutouts in the shape of women’s bodies with multicolored fluids bubbling in the background is fun, if a bit ordinary.

Girls – Domino. Not plural and not the kind you play with your grammy. I find her to be one of the most appealing Bond girls. She’s a beautiful red-headed Parisian with a fitting accent. She’s also not shy. In one scene she states she will kill 007. And yet, in the end she saves his life.

Perils and Escapes – While at a health clinic Bond gets on a machine that is supposed to stretch his spine with slow undulating motions. Unbeknownst to him, some hooligan turns the machine to “eleven”. The stretcher goes into hyper-drive, pulling at ever-faster intervals. The viewer is somewhat torn by this sight. Is the machine lending an auto-erotic helping hand or is Bond making love to the metallic beast? Either way, the Marquis de Sade would be proud. Probably one of Bond’s most comical and innocuous predicaments. I highly recommend it.

Villains – While getting a taste of SPECTRE in the earlier 007 films, this is the first to show us the organization as a whole. The identity of #1 is still ambiguous. His visage hidden by some not-so-clever evil lair architecture. The cat is still there though, forever being stroked by that hand… which is probably pruney from all of the cat oil that has been soaked into it.

One mention about the term SPECTRE. Ian Fleming used the acronym a lot in his stories. One theory of mine is that Fleming read about the term in the Communist Manifesto. The first line of it reads, “There is a spectre haunting Europe – the spectre of communism.” I will leave the conclusions for you to make.

Vehicles and Gadgets – MMMmmm underwater gadgetry painted in 1960’s motifs. You can’t get much better. The Aston martin DB5 makes its’ appearance, albeit for a brief moment. And the weaponry it wields? A pair of spouts on the back that shoot… water. These jets of wah-wah (shouts to Helen Keller!) deftly keep a few henchmen at bay while Bond takes his leave. This is within the first ten minutes of the film. And where does the beautiful DB5 go after that? Somewhere not in the film. Bollocks.

Memorable Quotes – “Why not try some of my conch chowder?”

8.30.2010

drugstore hooligan


Maybe you forgot but there are still more than 20 days of summer. More sweat, no sweaters. I'm going to get through it by listening to A LOT of Green Day, personally.

The Nerves are fun. They sing "Hanging on the Telephone." You know....I'm in the phonebooth it's the one across the hall if you don't answer I'll just...don't leave me hanging on the telephone. This song is even better though.

When You Find Out


Onyx is a New York City hip-hop(jams) trio. Their names are Sticky Fingaz, Fredro Starr, and Sonsee. Is it all about crime? Probably yes but maybe there's more. Bitche$.

Throw Ya Gunz


Davila 666 kind of sound like a Puerto Rican Wavves and they are my new favorite band. Their MySpace lists their "Influences" as "Iggy Pop and The Stooges,Cam'ron,Dipset (Diplomats) Lil Wayne,Menudo(viejo) MC5, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Bunker Hill, The Velvet Underground, The Rolling Stones, Brian Jonestown Massacre, Bob Dylan, Little Richard, New York Dolls,The Sonics,Heartbreakers , John lee hooker, Plan B, Muddy Waters,Chuck Berry, Mazzy Star." Ahhhhha. They are playing at the Knitting Factory on September 30th. I don't hate the idea of going.

Sabes Que Quiero

8.16.2010

die. die. die. i can't.

Lenert & Sander are two of my favorite artists. This music video for the electro-punk band Aux Raus is no exception to their consistent genius. And I love bread. Yeast is dead. (And the classic chocolate bunny.)

Coffin Poser from Lernert & Sander on Vimeo.



Chocolate Bunny from Lernert & Sander on Vimeo.


CDEFGABC from Lernert & Sander on Vimeo.

8.11.2010

i do. what i want.


Andre 3000: love robot.

I Do

This is a pretty good song. It is sensual. Not sensational, but certainly sensual.

8.07.2010

8.04.2010

Remember me?

i met you at the organic farm.

Doubtfully.

But you should try and remember this. This kid is cool. And his name is real. Real cool.

Download Takes One to Grow One by my good friend Peter Breakfast from the bedroom album I Bought A Big House and I Don't Know What It Means So Now I'm Religious. Download the entire Peter Breakfast music library at http://peterbreakfast.com/.

While you're at it, look at his art and writing and yadda yadda. He's great. He'd only be better if his name was Peter Brunch. I love brunch. Everything about it really.

8.02.2010

young at heart

Why don't you just drink less instead of embarrasing yourself by holding a slightly smaller can? This is the difference of 2 sips. Please.

I saw (heard...too lazy to wait in line and like to spread out more than being inside the Bandshell at Prospect Park permits) Sonic Youth, Talk Normal, and Grass Widow Saturday evening. What a time! My friends and I made fresh rolls--what a treat, and so easy to make! Now I can cook the following things and please keep in mind I was solely a Ramen master (Shin Ramyun (naaawwwttttt Spicy Seafood flavor don't want to have to upchuck all over the place, keep it to Gourmet Spicy if you know what's good for you and trust me this shit is the least healthy food in the world but you're going to die someday so carpe diem solider). And oatmeal master. Anyways, now I can cook the following things that do not come in a hummus container or a veggie burger box: black bean burgers with one gallon sriracha, wasabi roasted asparagus. Hold up, did you know most if not all of the wasabi you have eaten in restaurants or elsewhere is really just horseradish? Disappointing but true. Now I can cook: I can wilt spinach, gourmet popcorn, which means I add a lot of nutritional yeast, sriracha, and soy sauce. And fresh rolls! I learned how to cook rice too. Before last week I was too lazy and terrified. Gosh the show was fun!
There was a steady flowing river of fixed gear bicycle riders (one tall bike, stupid ack!) and a lot of couples holding hands probably so they wouldn't get separated or be stolen by singles.
Sonic Youth sounded nice even though the music was too quiet. Talk Normal was kind of eh but Grass Widow stole the damn show. I first saw them open for Pterodactyl last summer and they wowed. I blanket bopped while drinking the cheapest of rose wine and smiled like a goon. I also was on a friend's bike--it was completely stationary at the time--and forgot I put my foot in the toe strap so I tipped over like an ass onto the pavement when I attempted to dismount. Oops that was embarrassing but I played it like a champ and said I meant to do it.

Were you not cool enough to make it to the show? Redemption can be attained! In the form of this show that I never could have dreamed of enough within a dream within a dream (Inception reference get it?). The show will be priceless in all ways.
Salt-n-Pepa
Naughty by Nature
Slick Rick
I love to make stuff up but I'm not this good.

This weekend I co-wrote an original ballad for Pigeon Icarus' funeral (see above for how real this is). He was a diseased pigeon who died maybe due to a broken wing, being mauled by alley cats, or subsiding on a diet of Rice Krispies.

What do you know about Diamond Rings?





7.29.2010

blanket time



I saw The National and Beach House with Beth the other day and we have another friend surprisingly. It was great. It was in Prospect Park. Above was our view because we did not actually purchase tickets. There were a lot of young people, which was confusing because that is the wrong demographic for The National. Beach House, maybe. Still, where were the new moms and dads? Where were their strollers? Where were their babies they forced to wear glasses and Vans and silly shorts (all babies wear silly shorts)? OH. They were inside the fenced in venue because they have careers and can pay for the more intimate experience of both hearing and seeing a show.
Well let me tell you something. It couldn't have gotten much more intimate than my experience...bummer, I just scoured my photos to find the one(s) of me sitting on Beth's lap for the show but I think our other friend (who is real) took them with his camera.* (*found one it can be seen above.) It was physical. And emotional. I tried to make myself cry because I like to cry but the music wasn't piercing my soul to the right degree. I got my money's worth (FREE). I did dance a lot by the fence, which makes no sense because it wasn't any louder. I kind of felt like a gerbil trying to escape but that makes no sense because I was outside the fenced in area. I guess the grass is always greener for gerbils in the park. I danced with some girls and Beth remained on the blanket during my second excursion to the dance floor and that was when I made a friend! She was either really drunk or fucking nuts. She told me after not talking to me that I "should never change." "Just be exactly who you are always, you're awesome." Thanks maniac, I will. Oh, the music was fine. They played "Mr. November" and "Secret Meeting" and some other songs. I hate The National. Beach House was great. "Zebra" and "Walk in the Park" were dreamy. That's the closest I came to crying. Why can't I cry?


I did not take this video. Probably a dad with a pocket size video cam did. Cool tech dad!

7.18.2010

are you breakfast or are you dessert?


Sometimes you don't want to hear anything except one specific song over and over again. No one's voice.
I have a few, which means I really don't want to talk to anyone. One is "Breakneck Speed" by Tokyo Police Club (pretty new). One is "I Am A Girlfriend" by Nobunny (old news). But there is also this new song that was recorded late this spring. Listen to it and feel pretty down on yourself! Emperor Clouds is the band's name but this song just features Stephen Taylor who is talented and a great guy to boot.
He is kind and loves Raisin Bran. In the title of the featured song, "Lamenter's Lament," he admits how damn whiny he is about to get, so he is also forthright. Yet: Stephen isn't very whiny in real life as far as I know. So I suppose he is confusing, like Raisin Bran. It seems so healthy, bran. But surprise! It has 17 grams of sugar per serving and you do not need to look under a microscope to find that the raisins harbor shimmering kid's crack. (Raisin Bran Crunch has 20 grams: shnikies and deceit.) The culprit that first comes to mind, Lucky Charms, only has 11 grams in comparison and even God's gift to earth Reese's Puffs has just 12 grams. Stephen, really? Is this song about a girl or the sorrow you feel after the sugar high from breakfast wears off?

Emperor Clouds - Lamenter's Lament


Tokyo Police Club - Breakneck Speed


Nobunny - I Am A Girlfriend


To be fair, Stephen also likes Kix (pronounced keeks), which only has 3 grams of sugar per serving. A level-headed choice. Stephen tested, Stephen approved.

7.12.2010

Hold Your Head Up


Here I review every music video made in 1993.

Blind Melon - No Rain



Concept: We love yellow and let's make a video that destroys dressing up like a bee for everyone, even babies and puppies. What are you supposed to be? The Bumblebee Girl? No.
2:55 a strange raptor dance is displayed. Who does he think he is? A more cheery jurassic period Ozzy Osbourne. No.


Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)



Concept: Annie Lennox gets hired as a part of Teach For America.
1:10 The Knife takes note of costume design.
1:14 Unrealistic shot of meadow music. He is swinging a cello around and playing it.
2:20 I am now certain this will be my favorite music video for 1993.
2:33 Confirmed and screen-shot has been taken.


Snoop Dogg - Who Am I? (What's My Name)



Concept: "You don't love me, you just love my doggy style."
0:52 Mega-morphin doberman pinscher.
1:20 LOOK AT THAT PAINTING. Rat-tat-tat-tat Dr. Dre mothafuckas.
2:00 I am glad boys are back into the button-all-buttons style. Chest hair is revolting and the easiest way to transform one's day to night look on the go is to rip off your tie and stop there.
2:40 This is my favorite video of the decade. I like to imagine who the person is just off camera that's shaking the dog to make it dance like that.


Cypress Hill - Insane in the Brain



0:45 Cypress Hill bucket hat.
>0:45 This video is pretty standard.

On that note, I ate a lunch of peanut butter. Just a regular day of eating butters and spreads for meals. I ran out of hummus and salsa.

7.08.2010

Buggin' Out!

I know its pretty much every girl's dream to have Robert Pattinson's Twilight character Edward Cullen in their bed feasting on their virgin blood. But what happens when he gets his whole family in on the feast? Most girls probably think, "Aw cool, I get a whole bunch of hot guys in my bed." WRONG. Don't forgot about those bitchy sisters. They're going to crush your self esteem with their size 2 bodies.

If you hate Twilight as much as I do imagine the Cullen's have decided to morph into inconsiderate little bugs that chomp your flesh at night. They don't really discriminate where they feast, which leaves mosquito like bites that itch like fuck. Considering they don't give a shit about you, they make their home in YOUR mattress, and thinks its cool to shit all over YOUR bed. Personally, at this point I'd rather take Robert Pattinson and his whole crew pounding me in the ass nightly.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am living with fucking bed bugs! What makes matters so much more awesome is that I just moved and now am paying out the ass to get rid of them.

So I just decided to throw in a Fake Blood song that you can enjoy while you think of tiny insects living in your mattress/headboard/floors/clothing/toothpaste/bag of weed/turkey sandwiches. So while your feeling like Cohaagen did in the picture above, you better get your ass to Mars. Fake Blood did!


Portrait of a Stalker as a Twentyoneyearold Chicken Coop Owner




Collab!

Also. Phosphorescent is playing tonight at Pier 54 for free so if you swoon for Matty Houck you might want to get there at 6 PM OR BEFORE. I wonder if Beth knows. She usually follows Matthew very closely. Two steps behind. Three when he starts to look suspicious.

OOOOOOOH!

7.05.2010

4911



I have really been burning the candle at both ends this past week, which means I feel like I am melting. I made special appearances at three music shows and I even saw a movie! I went to some swimming holes upstate and that was really great. Ratings are on a scale of 10, 10 being the BEST.

1. Beach Fossils at Santos Party House.

Rating: 4 (I had to address a girl in the front who was thrashing around and tell her that she might want to be nicer and stop hitting me but she got meaner after this. There was free vodka. This didn't change the fact that only five people in the room had ever heard the band before.)

2. Tori Y Moi at Glasslands.

Rating: 2 (It was too hot to think but I got to stand near a fan and someone kindly blew on my face when I thought I was going to cry.)

3. The Oblivians at the Knitting Factory.

Rating: 10 (The best show I have been to in a year. Incredible performance and no one hit me in the face. They have better energy than people 10 years younger and I love love loved everything about it. It was free.)

4. The movie was The Tale of the Fox (French: Le Roman de Renard, German: Reinecke Fuchs) was stop-motion animation pioneer Ladislas Starevich's first fully-animated feature... (more from reliable source wikipedia). It was finished in 1930 but did not premiere until 1937. Delay! It is my new favorite movie and really this is not a funny joke. The movie has lots of funny jokes in it though and I did not know people could be so clever in years prior to the 1980s.

Rating: 10 come on

Here are some of my new favorite summer songs.

White Wires - Pretty Girl

There is a high of 101 degrees today. WHO CARES? I actually do because I have panic attacks when I am overheated or at least try to induce them so people give me some fucking space. This song is good.



Dead Man's - Bones

Summery hand claps and little kids singing. Motivation.



Future Islands - Tin Man

The intro is cute like the little girl walking around Starbucks right now with two straws sticking out of her mouth like walrus tusks. Wolf Parade - Spencer Krug + Tom Waits.



Fergus & Geronimo - Blind Muslim Girl

Catchy and old surfing songs eeeiihh yihhhs yaaas.



And.


Also if you miss GANGSTER LEGS the radio show you should listen to EVR on Thursdays from 8-10 PM because I am filling in for 1/2 of the Nicks of Nick and Nick. You can listen to some of the past shows at that link.

USA USA USA USA USA USA

6.23.2010

Rocking out with my TB 303



I saw this recently and I kinda pooped my pants. Originally manufactured in the early 80's by Roland, the TB 303 was the soul of Acid house and has been used throughout the development of electronic music over the last 25 years. It was originally designed to sound like an actual bass guitar and replace a bass player in a band. However, DJ's like Daft Punk figured out that it was best used to produce songs like "Da Funk".

I think it speaks volumes to producers who use the 303. They don't have to rely on programs like Ableton & Reason or other emulators to make an ill bass line. Instead, they can sit down, and program this ancient synthesizer which is a real testament.

Sorry for the history lesson, I just wanted to give props to my man Boys Noize for killing it with the TB 303. Making old school sound new is pretty insane. Check out the insanity!


6.19.2010

Oh him? That's just our friend the Googly-Eyed Glass Squid.

Free Frog Eyes show on Monday at Sound Fix.

Also there is a fucking salsa party tonight. Not salsa dancing. SALSA FOOD.

Also that squid is a real googly-eyed glass squid, which is an actual creature. I came upon it when I was researching googly eyes. You can buy some here.

And Sam Amidon is playing at Mercury Lounge Wednesday.

I hate parades.

Look at those white sunglasses: this is a stupid video!

6.14.2010

Trinity

Just go.


Dan Deacon is playing a free show in Red Hook AT THE SAME TIME. The choice is not yours. Go see Hanson. Also buy tickets for this. And this.

6.11.2010

I got tickets to Iron Maiden baby.


Before someone else thinks of this I want to copyright my idea. Have you heard of Bros Icing Bros? It's a drinking game that goes like this, but I don't actually know the rules but this is it: you always have to have a Smirnoff Ice on you at all times. If a bro comes up to you and tries to ice you but you are without a Smirnoff you have to drink theirs in one gulp. If someone tries to ice you and you too have a Smirnoff that asshole has to drink both. Risky! Finally boys came up with a way to legitimize their love of Smirnoff.

But all good viral campaigns have spin offs and so I came up with "Bitches Tea-bagging Bitches." (© 2010 Emily) All bitches must carry thermoses of Long Island Iced Tea. But wouldn't bitches be able to see other bitches thermoses and cheat? I have that figured out too. Late 19th century hoop skirts and bustles. If one bitch tries to tea bag another bitch who doesn't have her tea properly concealed in the holster under her bustle she will be vomiting everywhere in 10 minutes and the only redemption will be that she has helped to bring back a style long overdue for a revival--keep your fingers crossed for the corset's second coming. BTB is has higher stakes than BIB because bitches don't fuck around with Smirnoff. That shit is for dudes now. Good luck getting an interview with me, New York Times. E-mail is best.

It comes right down to athleticism. The World Cup, hoops, ping pong. Everything. There's a little kid and a 25 year old skating outside my window. Sports and friendship. Check out this sweet song's accompanying video!

Wet Illustrated - Born Stokes



HAPPY SUMMER! IT IS SUMMER! TIME 2 PARTY 24/7 AFTER WORK!