Your partay gave me conjunctivitis. (Television)

Last night I ate some oatmeal that had some paint chips in it (apples and cinnamon, green watercolor) I woke up feeling fine.  And to think I went to a party instead of waiting it out to see Jana Hunter (listen to Babies, at least). Also Tall Firs played and they were okay. I am going to see a sweet synth band tonight called Human Host and also Woolly Moon (really good) and American Folklore. Hooray. I hope I give my pink eye to everyone else there so they too can see the world through rose colored glasses. 

Yesterday I sent in a job application to a health food organic cafe or something on which I painted a picture of a fetal faun, my bicycle, and a daffodil. I put some glitter on it too. I hope I get the job. 

Television is a really great band. Super catchy. I don't have any others words because in addition to my conjunctivitis and ear infection I now fear that someone is trying to kill me so I can't stay in one spot too long. I need to go. 

Television:

Friction

Marquee Moon

CURTIS MAYFIELD

YES YES YESSSS

CURTIS OH GOD OH GOD YESSSS..... DONT STOP KEEP GOINGGGGG OHHH GOODDDDDDDDD....

mmmmnnnnmmm....*takes a drag off a cigarrette*

Orgasms are usually saved for the ending.  Excuse my utter lack of respect for plot structure but my superlative nature just couldn't contain the hyperbole.

Now there are musicians and then there are musicians...  Curtis Mayfield falls into the italicized category.  His flights of fancy take you on a rainbow road of emotion and nostalgia.  I used to listen to Curtis Mayfield's Superfly soundtrack during high school while hanging out with friends and family.  My oldest sister is twelve years older than me and she opened me up to Superfly.  Superfly is actually a blaxploitation film from the 70's.  Its a sort of Shaft-esque, pimps up hoes down kinda film about a coke dealer rising through the ranks....  I never even saw the film until my junior year in college and I didn't find it that good anyway (Dolemite rules the genre).  Superfly is actually famous for having the only soundtrack to outsell the film... which makes sense.  Of course Curtis is not only famous for Superfly, he's got tons of other great songs not related.  But Superfly was a part of my introduction to him so I had to write about it.

Pusher Man - A classic story of drugs and socio-economic issues.  Such a good song.

Freddies Dead - You can guess why he is dead... this is from a gangster, drug dealers movie.  Sick live video on youtube.

Gimme Your Love - Listen to Curtis wail on that guitar at the beginning... this tidbit makes me want to touch velvet and eat sticks of butter at the same time.....tasty snacks.

Move on up! - This is on my cellphone as my alarm, so I like to wake up to this and it makes me feel oh-so-gooood.

And so many more good songs.  These are some of my favorites.  If they are not already in your repertoire then put 'em in.  Cheeerio mates.

Dark (Was the K)night

(Dark Knight is not Dark Was the Night....but it is the best movie ever made. RIP HL and congrats on that award)

Say what you will about compilation albums sold for "a good cause" (what would you say? Saving Darfur is soooooo last year? That kind of makes you sound like a douchebag, man), but Dark Was the Night, released this month, is pretty great. Thirty-two tracks and hardly a miss among them, this album includes previously unreleased songs by The National, Beirut, The Books, Ben Gibbard, Iron and Wine, Dirty Projectors and others. It is quite the little gem. And it's for a good cause; it will "benefit the Red Hot Organization – an international charity dedicated to raising money and awareness for HIV and AIDS through popular culture." And these songs are actually good too, not just the standard compilation "it didn't make it onto the album cuz it kinda sucked, but sure just take it for your charity" songs.

While you should dish out the bucks to buy the whole album (do that here), here's a little taste:

Lenin by Arcade Fire

Mimizan by Beirut

Brackett, WI by Bon Iver

Love vs. Porn by Kevin Drew

So Far Around the Bend by The National (This is my favorite band. Ever.)

Well-Alright by Spoon (I LOVE when Spoon gets funky and this song is so fucking funky it's actually a little bit unbelievable)

Matt and Kim can't get germ-ies!

Food for thought: Very small Pocky OR absolutely gigantic penny?

This song was intravenously altered with the purest South American cane sugar and cross-bred with a labradoodle (labrador+poodle). The music video is totally righteous too hombre. The duo is Matt and Kim and these kids are from Brooklyn (land of the free, home of the brave). Cuties!

Check it out! I added a PINK border for the video to "Yea Yeah" because pink is the international color of precious.

Download "Yea Yeah" and "Daylight"

ALSO: Neither Matt nor Kim can get colds because their cute-bubble-spheres bounce off germies (that is jer-mees, and not grrrrr-mees). These spheres are semi-permeable and only to objects in miniature form. Think dwarf animals and teensy tiny little food. It is the bite size version of the bite size version. 

Music To Make Love To Your Old ROBOT By...

That person that you are intimate with this Valentine's Day season... it is a ROBOT. Stripped of all its' humanity and selfhood, whether biological or synthetic, it is a ROBOT. When you finally come to this realization, the inevitable question arises. How am I going to sexually impress this automaton and get its' wrinkly bag of cogs in the sack? Well my friend, have no fear. I am well trained in the arts of seducing ROBOTS.

ROBOTS love to be talked to in binary but you can't just say, "I want your one in my zero." Remember who your audience is. You're not dealing with any android off the street. A lovely, regal ROBOT has decided to grace you with its' presence. This will take charisma and tact. Start with a compliment, like, "Your hair looks as lovely as zero zero one zero [Enter]." Or maybe, "You make my vocal cords ROFL [Enter]."

Bring out some of your finest champagne flutes and fill them with battery acid. The acid must be fully charged with positive ions and chilled at exactly 38 degrees fahrenheit. Any derivation from this temperature, and the ROBOT which you are still trying to impress will know within 1.34 seconds.

Next comes the music.

If your ROBOT has been approved by the CEC, FBI and NAMBLA - then these auditory selections are guaranteed to commence its' love programming.

Boards of Canada - Everything You Do Is A ROBOT

Aphex Twin - On

Bjork - All Is Full Of ROBOT Love

If approved by the EUROPEAN SPACE AGENCY then these auditory selections will excite your ROBOT'S spark plugs.

Stereo Total - I Love You, ROBOT

Serge Gainsbourg - Monsieur ROBOT

George Kranz - Din Daa Daa (I'm a ROBOT Remix)

If rejected by the aforementioned standardized institutions then throw a slew of these tune's on your phonograph and get ready for a mechanical hedonistic trisket.

Talking Heads - Slippery ROBOTS

Max Romeo and the Upsetters - I Chase The ROBOTS

Rick James and Smokey Robinson - Ebony ROBOTS

There was a young man named Kleene
Who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It fit either sex,
And was remarkably easy to clean!
(Limerick, attributed to John von Neumann)

To Learn More - Visit this Blog and Watch this Video

I LOVE-HATE YOU

Want to be bi-polar? Me too! That is why I have decided to post the most benign songs ever next to the most depressing. This is only a test, do not adjust your blogosphere. Remember, you must follow the songs in the given order.

1. Jackie Wilson - Higher and Higher

2. Pink Floyd - Another Brick In Wall Part II

3. Kool and The Gang - Celebration

4. Nirvana - Dumb

5. The Partridge Family - C'mon Get Happy

6. Marilyn Manson - The Beautiful People

So what did you think? I hated to end on the bad note... but I wanted to begin on a good one...

When you finished with the playlist - you probably fell into one of three categories -

A - The happy songs are for deluded losers who conform to social norms and pretend to be happy so they can rationalize their own actions and life.

B - The sad songs are for deluded losers who obsess with sadness because they hate other people and are stuck in a rut of gloom and doom.

Or

C - One cannot claim sadness to be a more authentic emotion than happiness and vice versa. Both are emotions that people have and there should be a balance between the two.

If you noticed, all the the happy music was from years ago. Maybe I just couldn't find new happy music or something but I don't think anyone has made a good song about happiness in awhile. This is in stark contrast to dark and unhappy music. I think the unhappy music peeked around the time of Marilyn Manson and now we are in the resolution phase.

One possibility is that the topic of happiness in song has been replaced by sex. Freud would have argued that even the old happy music was really about sex, but that old fool did too much nose candy. I'm no expert, I'm just hoping that some good convivial tunes will come out soon.

The Shivers: Providing A Soundtrack For All Possible Lifestyles

(Photo credit NYTimes. This has nothing to do with the band, but rather being chilly because of a chilly-hearted landlord.)

If I were at all romantic, I would be silently weeping everytime I heard this song. But I'm not, so instead I just feel this odd moistening of my eyes and even more oddly, these drops of saltwater fall from the ceiling and onto my cheeks. It's so bizarre: my face gets red (I probably just have the thermostat turned up too high or something) and my nose gets runny (I was starting to feel a bit sick I guess now that I think about it). Weird.

Download Beauty

If I were a sexpot, I would strut around with this song playing in the background at all times. From a sultry hot pink boombox strapped to my shoulders that I occasionally used as a prop for a sexy dance. I would wear high heels to bed.

Download The Ghetto

If I were an all around great person with fantastic music taste, which I am, I would listen to The Shivers religiously. Check out these amazingly wonderful songs off their most recent album Beaks to the Moon and become that really cool, sharp as knives, endlessly endearing person. Go ahead.

Download People Who Take Drugs, Half Invisible, and Lonely Road.

He should be over 21 to do that shit, NO FIRE IN THE 40 WATT MOTHERFUCKER

(lolz)

I briefly mentioned my love for the Black Lips in this past post. But here I will elaborate. You might hate the Black Lips. If you do, fuck you, they're great. If you hate the Black Lips you probably hate that All-American Rejects song I posted because it's "uncool." What a jerk. And you probably hate hamsters too. Asshole. Well whatever man, if you can't appreciate the loud-as-shit, I-cannot-understand-a-word-you-are-saying, is-that-my-friend-who-just-got-his-chin-split-open-by-the-bassist, drunken squalor that is the Black Lips, I just don't know what to do for you.

I look forward to Black Lips shows all year. Thankfully because they basically tour constantly, I never have to wait that long for the next time they come around. These shows are epic in every sense of the word if you want them to be. If you just give in and let the Black Lips do to you what they want, you'll enjoy it, I promise. If you just let go, wear your holey-est t- shirt, grip your 40 for dear life, are able to find the never explictly labled venue, become willing to sweat in copious amounts, and willing to potentially get punched (accidentally?) in the face you will have a great, great time. Black Lips show stories are always good conversation starters and pieces; they always end very early in the morning, sometimes with a lost shoe, and usually with a headache. Some of the funnest shows I've been to, the Black Lips have been there right with me, glorious in their muscle shirt, handlebar-mustached presence. Critics have even hailed them (shat on them?) for thier "on stage antics,"so, come on, that must mean something!

Check out the new Black Lips album 200 Million Thousand out Feb. 24th (way more polished, but still worth it).
But first download these songs off said album: Starting Over and Short Fuse.
Dowload these other songs from various albums: Throw It Away, Freakout, Fad, and Not A Problem.

Also, definitely catch one of their shows in the New York area: March 9th at the Bowery Ballroom or March 10th at the Music Hall of Williamsburg. (Check back here closer to these dates to see if they're playing at a better venue. Sometimes shows at the Market Hotel or Silent Barn are announced like, a few days before and they are much, much better)

PS- If my raves for thier live shows haven't won you over, consider this: they got KICKED OUT OF INDIA for on-stage nudity. WIN.

Fuck off! So there!

You probably know people now who will be these guys in a few years. Think about it.

There sometimes these songs that come along that are just so wonderfully poppy, catchy, and mainstream that you just can't help but listen to them over and over until cotton candy colored blood spews out your ears. Whoa, I didn't mean for that to be so graphic. Sorry. I was just trying to make some kind of point about how sugary this song is. But that was uncalled for, sorry. Anyways, The All American Rejects single Gives You Hell is this song. Not only does it inspire one to stand outside of ex-lovers windows blaring this while sporting an impressive and well-dressed hottie on the other arm, but it also may be the best "fuck you, asshole" song of the past five years. Make that ten. This song is serious business. It will fuck you up. And that chick you're with who can't hold her three Mike's Hard too. Pussy. These gang vocals will, no lie, devastate her, so watch it jerk. Rock Out!

Download All American Rejects Gives You Hell

Oh, sanctuary.

Swan Lake is a supergroup. Uber equation=Spencer Krug of Wolf Parade (and some other stuff), Carey Mercer of Frog Eyes, and Daniel Bejar of Destroyer and The New Pornographers. Wow. Maybe it will be your favorite new hipshit band after you can finally pause "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" and switch to Enemy Mine. I am not at that point yet. This is a powerful and cohesive second release from Swan Lake who will hopefully be announcing shows in the very near future so I can be in the front row crying like an eleven year old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert (my favorite would obviously be Nick Carter). Their sound is a balanced mix of all three member's numerous musical projects and this can be heard in both Enemy Mine and Beast Moans, released in 2006. They are fucking copying...themselves! Because both Krug, Mercer, and Bejar have such unique and recognizable voices, it is hard not to think of their other projects during their vocal solos, but it does not detract from the killin' it style Swan Lake deals out. "Settle on Your Skin" is a highlight, as Krug bops the listener along through the face-paced track laced with his quintessentially-Krug piano melodies. I can see it being a stand out for 2009, but it is early yet. "Peace," "Battle of a Swan Lake," and "Paper Lace" are my first-instinct favorites. Enemy Mine comes out in late March on the amazing Jagjaguwar label to which Bon Iver, Okkervil River, Ladyhawk, and (not surprisingly) Sunset Rubdown all call home.

GET.

BambooM

Long story very short I am babysitting tonight. So I guess I lose. Or win? 

Love Makes a Good Man- Israel Vibrations (Don't download this if you don't like reggae. Because it is reggae. This group is fantastic. Great live, great, great.)

I Lust U- Neon Neon (Pure electronic lust, how sweet it is.)

dark moves of love- m83 (Wow, this is actually amazing. I feel really weird and lofty right now and I think it is because I am listening to angels chanting. At first I was like, whoa, this song is lame and not even that good. And then the angels start to chant and I was like, I was wrong. This is really great.)

My Love (Diplo Mix)- Justin Timberlake vs. LCD Soundsystem (Sounds like the Postal Service or something got mixed into this too. Much more delicate than the original. It is kind of cool but I often like untainted JT. A lot.)

One more day until the apocalypse comes and eats your face.

Pictured above is the "love toilet." It is a real thing.

Its friday the 13th fools. Put your pants back on.

"The Treehouse Song" Ane Brun (This song actually makes me want to fall in love. And then climb back out like a second later after realizing my mistake. Ralph! But besides that, I am really into Ane Brun. She has a beautiful voice and this little jaunt of a tune is kind of like holding hands with a boy you have always really liked and has just decided that he likes you too and now you want to tell the whole world that you really both love each other and then have like 10 babies and buy a country house and never be more than 15 feet apart.)

"Who Do You Love?" Bo Diddley & Muddy Waters (Listen if you want to boogie.)

The video takes about a minute until they actually play. But get over. Didds plays a rectango guitar that he named "The Twang Machine." And, AND Ron Wood's hair is nuts. 

"Man Sings About Romance" Laura Marling (This girl is amazing. She was born in 1990 and is precious. I honestly think all girls will like this unless you are a cold blooded freak. Which I have been told I am, so I guess everyone will like it. Fair warning: the lyrics aren't cutesy but it sounds like the piano popped like six pills of speed before the recording when no one was watching and it sounds pretty darn cute. Much like a poofy kitten.)

Outta the house in your girlfriends clothes

(Come on guys, can't we all just get along?)

Okay, so I definitely found this song on Said the Gramophone just a few days ago, so minus one for originality/ambition. But really, it's just too good to not rave endlessly about. So here goes...This song is being a yuppie in Brooklyn (read Park Slope, Brooklyn Heights). And I'm not being an asshole, really, I mean all the really good things about it. I might knock the baby carriage touting, knit hat wearing, Save Tibet bumper sticker displaying elitism that is this specific breed of 30-something year old from time to time, but really, underneath it all, I just want to be one one day. More than anything, actually. And this song completely explains why, not so much in the lyrics (not at all in lyrics actually), but in the saunter of it. This song actually glides. It is made for outdoor flea markets and leisurely brunches. Or curling up on the couch with your hypo-allergenic cat, graduate student/web-based non-profit organization worker boyfriend, organic cotton blanket, and the Sunday Times. It is a beautiful day walking down the steps of your brownstone on your way to your neighborhood farmers market. It is committed relationships, coffeeshop wi-fi, thick art books, and delicious wine and cheese. It is wonderful, really lovely. But really, just give me a few years....

Download Lying by Martina Topley Bird

Sum Phonemes On Sum Jean-ee-uss.

MMMM mmm MMMM MADLIB!!!  I think it is appropriate for my first entry on this fine blog to be about my most adored producer/emcee.  How do I love thee Madlib?  Let me count the ways:

1.  You make the dirtiest, grimiest, funkiest beats that no one else can touch.

2.  After more than ten years in the biz you haven't sold your soul for a benz on 20 inch dubz.

3.  You also make kick ass Jazz albums.

I could go on of course.  But listing everything doesn't afford me the opportunity to elaborate.  So let me wax a little bit more on some of your wax.

Some old rusty one hit wonder band from 1986 made an album that sat next to the record player and waited and waited and waited... just for the chance to make people's asses shake and ear drum's pop.  Well if not for hip-hop's saving grace then it's chance would never have come.  Now that producers are recycling old skool licks - we get to instantaneously travel to another place and time.  And Madlib can take you places.... Oh the places you will go with him!  OH SWEET RAPTURE!!!

For example - This is from his album "The Unseen".  The name of the track is "Come On Feet".  In this song he samples a 1973 animated French film called "La Planete Sauvage".  If you have never seen the movie, do so post haste.  Fantastic Planet is probably one of the most bizarre films you will ever witness.  If you don't watch it for the weirdness, at least check it out for those wonderful blue breasts which the alien females flaunt all the time.

This is just one place... just one amazing place that Madlib's trail of delicious bread crumbs will lead you...  Keep following that trail young soldier...

Here are some of his finest jams - 

Basic Instinct

Monkey Suite

Fancy Clown

Figaro

With MF Doom's vocals and Madlib's beats, they are unstoppable... and soon to be coming out with another Madvillainy (not the remix tape they came out with last September).  Put on your hard hat Harry!

EDIT - Sorry, I thought Madvillainy was coming out with a new album but now that I check my sources its MF Doom that is coming out with his new album - "Born Like This" on March 24th 2009.  Please forgive me for this transgression.

TRUE WUV

I really love M.O.P. I also love puppets! Apparently the creator of this masterpiece does too. My one true love, perhaps?

Download "Ante Up" M.O.P.

Mooooooo!

I need a break. Here are some love songs/videos of those songs for those that think love stinks!

"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"-Paul Simon (This song is about breaking it off. Something you should know how to do before you get into anything serious, so when it gets serious, you can split.) The vid is righteous. Check out that stache yo!

Download "50 Ways to Leave You're Lover"

"Love the One You're With" Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young (This song is about doing it. With whoever happens to be near you at any given time. Apparently people were about "spreading the love" back then.) You wanna see some old hippies rockin out?

Download "Love the One You're With"

"Laugh/Love/Fuck"- The Coup (This song is about giggles, love making, and icky icky sex.) Bonus! The video also has "Me & Jesus" before the said song so that is why it is so very long. I wish I could go play ping pong.

Download "Laugh/Love/Fuck"

Oh and check back soon for a NEW poster! He may or may not have some very enlightening things to tell us all.

Yes

9 months bitches

(This is the point in the post where normally I'd provide you a link to the M.I.A Grammys performance where she is glowing with an inseminated beauty, but the assholes who run the Grammys have copywrited that shit right off youtube and, seemingly, the internet at large. So instead here's a very low quality video of an only, like, 5 month pregnant M.I.A. performing with Rye Rye. Inadequate, I know, but don't blame me.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4OiNldJ09g&feature=related


Wait....Shit...
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/11/world/asia/11mia.html?_r=1&hp

Sister Suvi

I don't know what I want to say about this band aside from that I think they're super dope and I want everyone else to think they're super dope also. And to dance and be happy while listening to them as well! And to go out and adopt a shelter dog! They need homes too! Wooooooo! Yay for fun!

Download some cool live songs by Sister Suvi: Champion, The Lot, Desolation, I'm An American. Also check out Lightning Train (from the Mandela of Power EP) and Longlegs (unmastered) from their forth-coming cd, Now I Am Champion.

Speaking of which, please please please go out and buy their first full length album being released here on February 15th. I, for one, am counting down the days. You can also check out some other great songs on the site, as well as ogle pictures of this downright adorable trio.

I love my new toothbrush! Thanks Mom and Dad!

SHARKS

Here are some things I love:

1. Milk...Love it.

2. Little plastic dinosaurs...Love them so much.

3. The perfect pen...Love the endless quest.

4. Putting sriracha on everything I eat. I love it!

So clearly I am not incapable of love, after all. If I can love milk, I'm sure I can love other things, like people. 

Download "Have Love Will Travel" The Black Keys (Really fun band that sounds like grinding up glass and dirt in a blender. I am trying to tell you they have a sort of gritty sound but its dope as can be!

Download "Modern Love" David Bowie (DUH man.)

Download "I'll Believe in Anything" Wolf Parade (Perhaps the greatest band of the millennium. you don't need to listen to the next 1,000 of music that will come. This. Is. It. 

Download "La La Love You" Pixies (Double DUH (duh) man.)

Download "Skinny Love" Bon Iver (Want to feel like you are standing in a white room filled to the top with down feathers and there is beautiful light streaming down through the feathers and you feel very warm and safe? Sometimes I get that craving, so I listen to Bon Iver.)

TRAINSSSSSS

I love trains. Alot. I grew up within earshot of trains since babyhood and I still can hear trains passing in the middle of the night where I live now if my window is open a crack and I listen hard. I feel like this means something deep and significant, but I can't figure out what just yet. I love their horns especially, warning misguided deer off the tracks. Or at least that's what I'd like to think they're howling for. Either that or for the pure pleasure of the conductor. Either option is disgustingly poetic. If I were a conductor of a train, that shit'd be going off all night. I probably won't become a conductor, but I do hope to go across the country on a train at some point. I think that's what one would call a "life-shaping experience." Well, they would if they read Kerouac and didn't bathe alot probably, or something like that. Because I love trains so much, I guess it's pretty inherent that I love railcars too. railcars (lowercase intentional) is great. They are great basement dance/trash party music. They are also great music for alerting deer in danger consequently.

Download Bohemia is Without A Sea, Through the Trees Lay Smokestacks, and There is Ice It Is Blue.

Do you know this guy?

I might have just found your (new?) favorite rapper. He's actually not new at all. In fact, he's been around, being badass, for longer than any of my younger cousins have been alive. He's a West coast rapper though, and this East coast interior-decorating-loving white girl is simply behind the times. Sigh.

Download Andre Nickatina Ate Miles From the City of Dope, Blood N My Hair, and Nasty Like College Chicks.

Forest + Water

I saw two really great bands the other night. And I use the word "saw" very loosely because the venue was so smokey and fogged up with the smell of broken beer bottles and young hormones that I couldn't really see more than three feet in front of me. However, I guess I was there to hear not see anyways, so things worked out because in terms of listening, I received quite the treat. Wavves played a banging set that made everyone literally bounce in place, some even attempting to create a light-hearted mosh pit. They were super. Then, after their wonderful set, a band I really really love, Woods, set up. This might be silly sounding, but I feel like Woods doesn't make music, they create it (if such a distinction can be made). They wrestle out notes and sounds and yelps from their instruments and crazy elaborate soundboard in such a way that you feel like you're suddenly the lead character in a very dark and serious foreign film. I don't exactly know what that means, but take it for what you will. Also, it's really fun watching that guy on stage with the headphones thrash around and try not to get his many cords caught or tangled while doing so. LOVE IT.

Download Wavves: Teenage Super Party, Gun in the Sun, and So Bored.

Download Woods: Spike, Family, and Diamond Days.

Catch both Woods and Wavves tonight, if you haul ass, at the Market Hotel. They also play tomorrow night at "Less Artists More Condos." Check it out if you know what's good for you.

Mail this, Cupid.

I have gotten heart stamps the last two times I have been to the post office. It is embarrassing to send a letter to someone who now thinks you have hidden feelings for them and are trying to communicate it not through the letter itself but through the postage. Above is the exact stamp given to me by the lady behind the post office counter. These are the kind of stamps Cupid uses when overnighting his arrows into people's hearts. These are not the kind of stamps that I want to use. I need some bourgeoisie-friendly art stamps, or maybe one's that promote the rights of kittens. But puffy cartoon hearts? I can only hope the little man running under the weight of that fat ass heart is getting ready to punt it off a cliff. KABOOM. Alas: The United States Postal Service says: "Entitled "All Heart," the design focuses on a large, bright red heart that is transporting its owner to an unseen beloved who will be gifted with this heart full of love." If that isn't the scariest shit you have ever heard then you must be down with having organs other than your brain control your actions. What?

Download "Love Song 2009" Dent May- This song is really cute and he has quite a falsetto. 

Download "Love Story" Deltron- This is not cute. Deltron will never rap in a falsetto. 

Download "Lover's Leap" Bela Fleck & The Flecktones- Despite the name, the song does not make me want to leap off a bridge. Bela Fleck is amazing. This song is instrumental (some lofty vocals in there too). 

Download "The Red Telephone" Love- This song is by a band called Love. I love this band. "I feel real phony when my name is Phil." And I do, too. This song reminds me of my dorm in high school. Awesome!

Okay, fine, you win...sorta.

Love isn't all bad. I mean, if something like this video can come out of it and instantly uplift me from indefinitely shitty mood to hugging everyone within five feet and reciting Shakespeare, then i guess love can be kinda cool. Thanks Zach Condon for keeping the dream alive.

This video is outrageously good. Use it as your secret weapon.

Ps- If you are one of the lucky ones seeing Beirut and (the motherfucking!!) Tune-Yards tomorrow in Brooklyn, congratulations: I am extremely jealous.

Don't worry

In an effort to try and balance out this attempt at love, this following post/song is meant to make you, fellow poster, and you the internet at large, feel better about not being in love. And to show you that love poems are actually terrible when written about you. No seriously. They're collegiate, and embarrassing, and menial. Congrats lover, you know how to use metaphor. Wow, you're comparing our love to a river? That's cool. Oh, yeah, I guess my hair is pretty shiny and blonde in the sun, thanks. You got me there.

Download Sex Beat by Gun Club because though they are mad sexy, they know what's up; ain't nobody foolin' them.

Also download You're Dumb By the Black Lips. The Black Lips often make it into my coveted "favorite band" status every few weeks or so. I plan on doing a future post at some point fully expressing my love for them. But for now, I'll stick to why they are relevant to this post: they make me want to smash empty beer bottles over the heads of cute boys and then beat them up. This is pretty much what happens at every Black Lips show, plus or minus a little smooching.

Dance Dance Lovelution

All I know is that no one has ever written me a love poem, love song, or declared their undying love for me. I don't have leprosy, yet, so what the fuck? I understand that some of my interests may not align with anyone else's. I really like chapstick, bird watching, and my dog. I like to research things like how pencils and cheese are made. I also like being alone. All the time. I don't understand why this should get in the way of my being in a successful relationship. We can be alone together, just not in the same general area. 

Also, I always have my headphones on. I just don't want to talk to you, probably. You know what? A lot of the time there isn't even music playing. I keep them on only to deter potential advances from conversationalists. Unfortunately, I think I am going to have to talk to someone if I am going to make any friends. 

In the last few days of my research have begun to discover a few things. 

1) I think you have to have been in love to write about it, musically or otherwise.

2) I think you have to have been in love to appreciate love, musically interpreted or otherwise.

3) This whole project is turning my stomach. 

4) But I shall perservere. 

Here are some dance-y dance love songs.

Download "Easy Love" MSTRKRFT

Download "Universal Love" DL Incognito

Download "Spread" Outkast

These songs are all amazing. They will probably not induce pheromone-like love potion effects. But they will make you get up and shake that thang. Yeah, you will.