Why am I so awkward?

I dare you to not want pancakes! Triple dog dare.

Hmmm. I am going to blame my awkwardness on a few things. One of these is that I emulate my dog who is neurotic and has a bad command of English. Thanks Delila, now I do too! Another reason is that I am really, really tall. Like it's not normal how tall I am. Everyone talks about it and I get more awkward. The last reason is that I can't go very long periods of time without saying something either offensive or that makes the other person unbelievably uncomfortable for some time after. I feel fine about this but I think a product of my own awkwardness is making others feel this way. Let me provide a few prime examples. Let's move from the general to the particular.

1. I love making noises. Like meeps and beeps and rawrs. Sometimes this seems funny to me but confuses other people. Sometimes they say,"What did you say?" and I say, "Nothing," and sulk away.

2. I am so tall I tower over everyone so when I speak to them it is not to their face but to the top of their head. This is an intrinsically awkward way of having a conversation.

3. I have no people skills. This past weekend I went to Union Pool which is a place I really do not like. I did not check the very reliable GANGSTER LEGS show list which had clearly stated for some time now that Harlem was playing that night at that very venue. I casually asked someone after accidentally insulting them for their weird face who had played that night. "Harlem." I lost it. Then I went to wait in the line for the bathroom where I could find a lot of people confined to a small hallway where I knew they would have to listen to me losing it over my carelessness. I found some guy seated. He looked normal I guess. I explained how ticked off I was and how they were like my uhh favorite band and I missed them. This went in circles for maybe two minutes or slightly over two minutes. Finally he says, "I'm in that band." I could have stopped there but I didn't. I had to make him feel extremely awkward. I had to tell him that "South of France" is my second most played song on iTunes. I had to tell him that I put their songs on all of my mix CDs and then I listen to them when I'm driving to certain places and sometimes I just listen to the whole album. Then I got kind of mean. I accused him of not making enough music and demanded that they play another set. "I don't think it works that way." "IT CAN," I am an informative drunk. I texted all of my best friends in the world that I had just made best friends with this dude from Harlem. They were so happy for me! So was I. It was my turn to pee! But when I came out, expecting him to be waiting for me right outside the door, he was not there. I went outside to be with my stinky friends outside the smelly fire pit. He came outside soon after to smoke a cigarette by the fire pit, a place where it was warmer that regular outside. I introduced him as my friend from Harlem. He said his name was Cummie or Comey or Cumin. Whatever Croodles! I found out later it is Coomers. I mean, what? He ate his cigarette to get away from me and I looked sad and considered lighting the coat of the girl next to me on fire to pass the time. But I could not be left in peace. This assmonkey across "the pit" had to tell me all about me. "Your coat is really red." "Thanks." "You are really tall." "Oh, am I?" "Nice boots." "Thanks, they're real big." Then he wanted to know what I did. Obviously I said I was a bodybuilder and everyone was impressed, me included.

People Under the Stairs are a great band. This is a new video of theirs and after that is one of my favorite songs.



The Joyride




Harlem played live for The Fader.