T and A will never stand for Trust and Altruism. (LOVE ADVICE)

"Cheap Divorce" I took this photo while driving away from NYC, the city of crushed dreams and empty affairs.

Valentine's Day is on Monday. In past years (2009's experiment and 2010) I have dealt with this shitshow differently. This year I figured I would utilize my PhD in Stop Wasting Your Time Dating That Hussy and help the boys get through this awful day.

Letters

Sometimes mail gets "lost inside of magazines" so your distrust of the postal service is something to hold onto. Especially don't mail any Valentine's Day cards because they might not make it to their final destination.

This year I have decided to "intern" at a major post-office so I can intercept and burn all the Valentines. Consider it a favor. Your gf, bf, wife, or husbo doesn't want to see that shit in writing. I'm going to help you out. This is Gangster Cupid.

Gifts

Now since this is essentially a redo of Christmas you have a second chance to WOW her. Suppose you gave your lady a gym membership. Now you have the opportunity take the perma-grimace on her face that has been there since X-mas and replace it with a loving glow of "this is just what I wanted."

Yet, you must wonder why you must give her a gift, what is the nature of the Valentine's Day gift, and why must you as the man have to be in charge of this holiest of holy days? Is the gift about showing your love? No. It is not your love. It is not the construction paper coupons for hugs, doing the dishes, or the extra sexy sexts. It's her knowledge that since you bought a gift you had to spend time that could have been used in monumentally more interesting ways looking for just the right gift. The gift that says, "See? I listen when you speak to me although it often seems otherwise." Suffering for someone is really nice and does not have to be tied to altruistic virtue.

No. Be selfish. Enjoy your minutes rifling through braziers and thongs whose prices are inversely proportional to T and A coverage. Rub a rainbow of cashmere sweater sets on your face. Breathe in deeper so you can really choke on those perfumes. You are going getting two things out of buying a good gift: unspoken camaraderie with other males and fifteen minutes of sexual intercourse.

Flowers

Fuck flowers. They shrivel and die like the love they suck at representing. Since you are probably going to buy them anyway as a safety blanket against the flames that shoot out of the eyes of disappointed girlfriends, let me go over some of the stupidest flowers you should avoid. Those that even a heart-shaped vase can't improve.

Roses

What are you? A fucking robot? Why can't you think for yourself? Are those red? Red for passion? Aphrodite shits red roses.

Chrysanthemums

Do you even know what this flower looks like? This is the ugliest fucking flower on the earth. It ranks below fifty of the ugliest weeds.

Tulips

You're going to be sold pink and red ones and it's going to look dumb.

Orchids

Etymology: Orchid comes from the Greek word "órkhis", which literally translates to "testicle."

Other Bad Ideas to Show Your Love

An animal (this is like knocking someone up without their consent), a fattening mirror (you know the ones that make you look fat), automatic car starter (lacks romantic appeal; may not lead to intercourse).

Good Ideas

Shoes (everyone loves them if they are cute, if you can't buy cute shoes do not buy a puppy), a vasectomy (cannot guarantee she will like this), a trip (not to the mall unless it is one with a roller coaster inside), food (just buy her a fucking meal or a cheese platter), expensive attire made out of dead animal fur (worst combo is this and a puppy).

Best of luck in this tricky, shitty little thing called love.

xo