I hate it. Part XXVI.

I hate Halloween. I hate kids and I hate tricks and I like savory things more than sweet things. October 31st is my worst nightmare. Not because it is spooky. Because it is a pain in the ass. If I am going to dress up like a freak I will do it on my own time. I don't need society to give me one day a year when it is suddenly okay for me to show my true colors. Last year I was Cindy McCain. So obviously herein lies the crux of my holiday dilemma. I am brilliant at choosing costumes but I just hate the holiday. As is life.

I hate Halloween movies, Halloween colors, but most of all I hate pets in costume. Why? Because I love it so much and I know I should hate it because it is wrong to dress up one's cat or dog and that really pisses me off. Look at that pet in costume. It fucking hates you. In summation: You can be the jackass that you yearn to be all year long and dress up like a giant baby or a gargantuan skankbrains but leave your pet out of it. My fridge smelled like rotting cheese--not sure why--so I cleaned it with tons of bleach. The bleach is what makes me so angry.

ARG! Big Boi is so good. Listen to his voice? Do you hear that? This is classified as "feeling so good, inspirational hip-hop now sound." It is that melodic ding ding and gospel cooing that creates a goose down landing strip when you reach the jump off.

I will listen to it and maybe take it home.

Handrakes

Track number one from album number three from 1992. If I had a boyfriend which I never would because I hate everyone it would be all three of them.



Take me home.

Hair before Hair was Hair

Electric Light Orchestra had it all. They had the chicks, the dicks, the licks and without a doubt the hair. Their hair was downright dirty. I bet they substituted strands of their own hair for the horse hair on their violins which gave their twang that extra special... well... twang.

Why should those 1980's bands enjoy the moniker "Hair Bands" when the previous generation had much more substantive follicles dangling from their noggins? Admittedly, the "Hair Bands" had some crazy shit going on. The main difference between the two styles is a matter of authenticity. Dudes before the 80's didn't have hairspray, they just had the bed they slept in the night before and a lack of contemporary standards of hygiene. Those two powerful forces and the subsequent build up of scalp juice produced, at least for ELO, a force majeure. We might call it nappy. But to them, nappy hair was a trophy to be revered.

Send me a letter you jerk.

I love mail. I send it all the time. I never get it. Unless it is some kind of fucking notice usually printed on pink paper and I hate it. Maybe I should take other people's mail. Why not? I want your bills, your packages, your love letters. Ooh, my hands are dry. It must be long hat season.

Dead Kennedys - Stealing People's Mail

Not that I care, but I am seeing Bad Brains on Halloween. I have a great [TOP SECRET] costume idea.

We got them real frenz.

We be true poplar on the world wide net. Actually it may be discounted due to the fact that the author is my BFF but whatever. Check out her blog. It is about how she thinks she is so pretty and also a championer of vagina power or something. I just like it because every once in a while she writes about me. I only read things about myself or books I have a feeling were written about me. The Pockets Full of Luck author and I have many things in common. Here is one: we both only look at pictures of ourselves. And that, my friend, is that.

THE GREATEST LESSON I NEED TO LEARN

1984 was a great year but I wasn't alive yet so I guess I am 4 years late learning the lesson Whodini has been trying to teach me. Friends. How many of us have them? Well, not me but that isn't the only part of the song that twangs my heartstrings. It is the part about relationships. That's right. The advice is that couples should be friends BEFORE they do it. Whatever it is. So now I must take a moment to indulge in thoughts and thinking. Do people need to be friends before they engage in romantics? I couldn't care less; dig those synths!!!! This song is captivating, making me realize I have no friends and I love 1980s hip-hop music. Are these two sentiments correlated?

Live:


Recording:

With Apologies to the Japanese.

AND I QUOTE:

"If a brazier is an upper-town flopper-stopper
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker
and toilet paper is a super duper pooper scooper.

What is the son of a constipated Japanese "wrastler"?

A slap happy-Jappy with a crappy pappy."

- Herb Krumsick

I Am Phat

And you are phat (Post-Hormonal And Tingly). When you have reached a certain weight, you start to walk slow.

It's not that people wouldn't like to fondle your jelly donuts. Au Contraire. Everyone wants to lube you up and rub you down with grape preserves. It's not the unattractiveness of those that are morbidly obese, its the fact that they take so damn long to get from point A to point B.

I would be a playa playa if bed-ridden fat girls could access their genitals. The cold sad truth is that they can't. There's too much chub in the way.

The overweight of America are left abstinent not by choice and not because of a lack of sexual demand (I am living proof that there is plenty of that). The forced sexual attrition is because of debility. The people can't mate. So why the fuck are we so damn fat?

I think it's the lasting vestiges of the Fat Boys. This was a gluttonous 80's rap group that influenced the impressionable youth of America.

See what I mean?

A note of enouragement.

Do this for your own good.