Buggin' Out!

I know its pretty much every girl's dream to have Robert Pattinson's Twilight character Edward Cullen in their bed feasting on their virgin blood. But what happens when he gets his whole family in on the feast? Most girls probably think, "Aw cool, I get a whole bunch of hot guys in my bed." WRONG. Don't forgot about those bitchy sisters. They're going to crush your self esteem with their size 2 bodies.

If you hate Twilight as much as I do imagine the Cullen's have decided to morph into inconsiderate little bugs that chomp your flesh at night. They don't really discriminate where they feast, which leaves mosquito like bites that itch like fuck. Considering they don't give a shit about you, they make their home in YOUR mattress, and thinks its cool to shit all over YOUR bed. Personally, at this point I'd rather take Robert Pattinson and his whole crew pounding me in the ass nightly.

If you haven't guessed by now, I am living with fucking bed bugs! What makes matters so much more awesome is that I just moved and now am paying out the ass to get rid of them.

So I just decided to throw in a Fake Blood song that you can enjoy while you think of tiny insects living in your mattress/headboard/floors/clothing/toothpaste/bag of weed/turkey sandwiches. So while your feeling like Cohaagen did in the picture above, you better get your ass to Mars. Fake Blood did!

Portrait of a Stalker as a Twentyoneyearold Chicken Coop Owner

Collab!

Also. Phosphorescent is playing tonight at Pier 54 for free so if you swoon for Matty Houck you might want to get there at 6 PM OR BEFORE. I wonder if Beth knows. She usually follows Matthew very closely. Two steps behind. Three when he starts to look suspicious.

OOOOOOOH!

4911

I have really been burning the candle at both ends this past week, which means I feel like I am melting. I made special appearances at three music shows and I even saw a movie! I went to some swimming holes upstate and that was really great. Ratings are on a scale of 10, 10 being the BEST.

1. Beach Fossils at Santos Party House.

Rating: 4 (I had to address a girl in the front who was thrashing around and tell her that she might want to be nicer and stop hitting me but she got meaner after this. There was free vodka. This didn't change the fact that only five people in the room had ever heard the band before.)

2. Tori Y Moi at Glasslands.

Rating: 2 (It was too hot to think but I got to stand near a fan and someone kindly blew on my face when I thought I was going to cry.)

3. The Oblivians at the Knitting Factory.

Rating: 10 (The best show I have been to in a year. Incredible performance and no one hit me in the face. They have better energy than people 10 years younger and I love love loved everything about it. It was free.)

4. The movie was The Tale of the Fox (French: Le Roman de Renard, German: Reinecke Fuchs) was stop-motion animation pioneer Ladislas Starevich's first fully-animated feature... (more from reliable source wikipedia). It was finished in 1930 but did not premiere until 1937. Delay! It is my new favorite movie and really this is not a funny joke. The movie has lots of funny jokes in it though and I did not know people could be so clever in years prior to the 1980s.

Rating: 10 come on

Here are some of my new favorite summer songs.

White Wires - Pretty Girl

There is a high of 101 degrees today. WHO CARES? I actually do because I have panic attacks when I am overheated or at least try to induce them so people give me some fucking space. This song is good.



Dead Man's - Bones

Summery hand claps and little kids singing. Motivation.



Future Islands - Tin Man

The intro is cute like the little girl walking around Starbucks right now with two straws sticking out of her mouth like walrus tusks. Wolf Parade - Spencer Krug + Tom Waits.



Fergus & Geronimo - Blind Muslim Girl

Catchy and old surfing songs eeeiihh yihhhs yaaas.



And.


Also if you miss GANGSTER LEGS the radio show you should listen to EVR on Thursdays from 8-10 PM because I am filling in for 1/2 of the Nicks of Nick and Nick. You can listen to some of the past shows at that link.

USA USA USA USA USA USA

Rocking out with my TB 303

I saw this recently and I kinda pooped my pants. Originally manufactured in the early 80's by Roland, the TB 303 was the soul of Acid house and has been used throughout the development of electronic music over the last 25 years. It was originally designed to sound like an actual bass guitar and replace a bass player in a band. However, DJ's like Daft Punk figured out that it was best used to produce songs like "Da Funk".

I think it speaks volumes to producers who use the 303. They don't have to rely on programs like Ableton & Reason or other emulators to make an ill bass line. Instead, they can sit down, and program this ancient synthesizer which is a real testament.

Sorry for the history lesson, I just wanted to give props to my man Boys Noize for killing it with the TB 303. Making old school sound new is pretty insane. Check out the insanity!

Oh him? That's just our friend the Googly-Eyed Glass Squid.

Free Frog Eyes show on Monday at Sound Fix.

Also there is a fucking salsa party tonight. Not salsa dancing. SALSA FOOD.

Also that squid is a real googly-eyed glass squid, which is an actual creature. I came upon it when I was researching googly eyes. You can buy some here.

And Sam Amidon is playing at Mercury Lounge Wednesday.

I hate parades.

Look at those white sunglasses: this is a stupid video!

Trinity

Just go.


Dan Deacon is playing a free show in Red Hook AT THE SAME TIME. The choice is not yours. Go see Hanson. Also buy tickets for this. And this.

I got tickets to Iron Maiden baby.

Before someone else thinks of this I want to copyright my idea. Have you heard of Bros Icing Bros? It's a drinking game that goes like this, but I don't actually know the rules but this is it: you always have to have a Smirnoff Ice on you at all times. If a bro comes up to you and tries to ice you but you are without a Smirnoff you have to drink theirs in one gulp. If someone tries to ice you and you too have a Smirnoff that asshole has to drink both. Risky! Finally boys came up with a way to legitimize their love of Smirnoff.

But all good viral campaigns have spin offs and so I came up with "Bitches Tea-bagging Bitches." (© 2010 Emily) All bitches must carry thermoses of Long Island Iced Tea. But wouldn't bitches be able to see other bitches thermoses and cheat? I have that figured out too. Late 19th century hoop skirts and bustles. If one bitch tries to tea bag another bitch who doesn't have her tea properly concealed in the holster under her bustle she will be vomiting everywhere in 10 minutes and the only redemption will be that she has helped to bring back a style long overdue for a revival--keep your fingers crossed for the corset's second coming. BTB is has higher stakes than BIB because bitches don't fuck around with Smirnoff. That shit is for dudes now. Good luck getting an interview with me, New York Times. E-mail is best.

It comes right down to athleticism. The World Cup, hoops, ping pong. Everything. There's a little kid and a 25 year old skating outside my window. Sports and friendship. Check out this sweet song's accompanying video!

Wet Illustrated - Born Stokes



HAPPY SUMMER! IT IS SUMMER! TIME 2 PARTY 24/7 AFTER WORK!

An Ode To My Doppelganger

That's a pretty awesome denim jacket you're sporting in your profile picture. Where did you buy it? Hester Street Fair? Brooklyn flee market? Buffalo Exchange? No? Well, it really compliments that bad boy James Dean look you are projecting. I bet all the women flail their arms in ecstasy when they see you walk down the street. What did you say your name was? Anderson xxxxxx!? Wow, that's pretty crazy, because Anderson xxxxxx is my name! We should totally hang out!

Wh-what's that? Oh, you aren't real? Some totally random person cloned me on fb? That's pretty lame fake Anderson. And all those friends of yours were added randomly? I thought

you were cool fake Anderson. I had elaborate dreams of calling you my "bro". We were going to exchange vials of blood so we could wear them around our neck. You tazed me bro, you tazed me.

Well, at least Australian electro rocker's Van She remix of Dragonette's "Pick Up The Phone" can remedy my desolate desires of finding my doppelganger. Electro music to the RESCUE.