You're so full of shit.

No, this isn't creepy Uncle Jimmy who always sat a bit too close at family dinners when you were young. This is a Creaky Boards member. He's in a band, so he's hot. Facial hair is hipandnow, not uncomfortable.

Emily is really taking life by the horns lately, and it's making me feel bad about myself. While she's scoring an invite to Josh's sweet after-prom dance party in his parent's basement (guys, you can drink, you just have to do it in the downstairs bathroom. and put the beer in snapple bottles. and then eat a breath mint.), I fell asleep at 7:30 pm today right in the middle of reading An Omnivore's Dilemma! While she gets to be on a boat, going fast, with a nautical themed Pashmina Afghan (mothafucka), I walk around my apartment aimlessly, looking out windows and eating half a box of chocolate chip organic cookies that are only good if you dip them in milk and disregard the aftertaste. New York is kicking my ass and making me sleepy.
Something glorious did happen though: I got a camera. It's beautiful. So beautiful that I write this with teary eyes, a sniffle, and trembling hands. I might, or might not, cuddle with it at night, cradling it in that warm and safe crook of my arm much like I would a kitten, puppy, or very compact lover.
Not that I like cuddling or anything. Emotional expression through physical touch is pretty much a waste of time. I like being friends more. Be my friend?

Now something music related: Creaky Boards is just precious. They make music for tea parties. Tea parties for sneaky hipsters. With cocaine. Kept in some sort of silver snuff box. Jere's some other cool things about them: Every member has a progressively more impressive beard/mustache/beard-mustache combo. I believe both the glockenspiel and a laptop are put to use in their sets. Their sophomore effort is called "Brooklyn is Love". Admittedly this makes me barf up organic chocolate chip cookies in my mouth a bit, but it's something I can forgive, as can you. So really, no wrong can be done with all these gleaming attributes.

Download Brooklyn, The Songs I Didn't Write (more on that below), I'll Kiss You at Every Red Light, and Now I'm In the City.

Also, Coldplay apparently plagiarized one of their songs! BAD ASS!

I just got back from prom.

I was just at a prom. Not my own, I was just workin at one for some high school upstate and guess where it was. No, don't waste your time you'll never get it. The Hammerstein Ballroom. Who has their prom there? Or maybe it isn't even that weird. I have no idea. These kids had a graduating class of almost 800. Wowsas! Anyways I served non-alcoholic bevs for the last 5 hours and now I need to kick back, relax and write a sir snarks-a-lot post to get my mind of off all the pregnancies that are beginning...now. I was actually really disappointed that I didn't see any of those controversial prom dresses for preggers chicks that have the belly portion taken out. However, one of the teacher/chaperones was wearing a toga dress that made me feel uncomfortable! I think she ordered a Diet Coke or maybe Ginger Ale. 

Enough about promenading. Here is the breaking news of the day:

1. This radical guy Bryan Derballa has this hipandnow photo site that I love and kind of helped update and you should check it out. It is like a kelp forest of awesome photographs mostly about life and living it. Would you like to visit Lovebryan now?

2. This song is so damn forlorn I love it. Rand-o thought: How great is it that Prince did the soundtrack for the MKeaton/JNix Batman? Some people really can do it all. 

The Kinks- Strangers

3. Bryan reminded me of this song whilst we were working hard at updating his virtual memory lane. Its by Jens Lekman. About halfway through, when the dude with the low voice comes in, I get so jell-o legs, it is just so good. Did you know that Mr. Jens is from a town in Sweden called Angered? Some people really do have it all. 

Jens Lekman- Pocketful of Money

Don't forget to go out and see some shows this weekend. I might just stay in and cry for no reason. Or I might rage it. Rage on!

The Impossible Weekend

HOW CAN I BE AT ALL OF THESE PLACES AT ONCE? Sorry for the slop-central copy and paste job. I have no time because I am too busy inventing a time machine. But for serious. Also any donations to the Emily and Beth Become Cultured Individuals of Modern Society Fund For the Uncultured Children are welcomed and greatly appreciated to help with the expenditure facet of our proposed musical odyssey. CHECK THIS OUT:

It begins softly on Thursday:

Thu 6/11
8:00 PM
Marco Benevento (solo)
The Stone All Ages $15

Thu 6/11
8:00 PM
SSPS, Men & Women, Julianna Barwick, Ducktails
The Cameo (Northside Festival) 21+ tba

Thu 6/11
9:00 PM
Cymbals Eat Guitars, Paragraph, Thegreatunwashed, Kilgore Trout Is Dead
Martini Red Not Specified free

Fri 6/12
10:30 PM
Forest City, Kittens Ablaze, Motel Motel, The Eskalators, The Tony Castles, Forensics
155 Water Street (The Brooklyn Invitational) All Ages $8

Fri 6/12
8:00 PM
The Beets, Drink Up Buttercup, Zaza, Sean Bones, We Are Country Mice
Bruar Falls (Northside Festival) 21+ tba

Fri 6/12
7:00 PM
Shilpa Ray & Her Happy Hookers, Sister Suvi, Secret Life of Sofia, pow wow!, Coyote Eyes
Spike Hill (Northside Festival) 21+ $7

Fri 6/12
6:00 PM
Sunset Rubdown, Witchies, Elfin Saddle
Studio B (Northside Festival) 18+ $17

Fri 6/12
8:00 PM
Golden Triangle, Sightings, Pterodactyl, Aa, Screens
Union Pool (Northside Festival) 21+ tba

Sat 6/13
7:00 PM
Bill Callahan (smog), Lights
(le) poisson rouge 18+ $15

Sat 6/13
8:00 PM
Dragons of Zynth, Tune Yards, Chica Vas, Katie Eastburn, Bora Yoon
Glasslands (Northside Festival) 21+ $10

Sat 6/13
8:00 PM
Mika Miko, Strange Boys, The Coathangers, Fiasco
Market Hotel All Ages tba

Sun 6/14
8:00 PM
Mika Miko, Strange Boys, X-Ray Eyeballs, Silk Flowers
Cake Shop 21+ tba

Sun 6/14
9:00 PM
The Coathangers, K-Holes, Ex-Humans
Glasslands (Northside Festival) 21+ $6

Sun 6/14
8:00 PM
Bill Callahan (smog), Sir Richard Bishop (of Sun City Girls)
Music Hall of Williamsburg (Northside Festival) 18+ $15

Sun 6/14
2:00 PM
The Dodos, Phil and the Osophers
Studio B (Northside Festival) 18+ $8

Mon 6/15
7:00 PM
Brakes Brakes Brakes
Mercury Lounge 21+ $12

Tue 6/16
8:00 PM
Jonathan Richman, Vic Chesnutt
Bowery Ballroom 18+ $15


AND TO TOP OFF THE CONFUSION:

Sun 6/14
12:00 PM
Golden Triangle (7:40pm), Aa (7:20pm), Talk Normal (7:10pm), Dinowalrus (7:00pm), Spectre Folk (6:50pm), The So So Glos (6:40pm), Shilpa Ray (6:30pm), Skeleton (6:20pm), TK Webb (6:10pm), Religious Knives (6:00pm), Necking (5:50pm), Ducktails (5:40pm), Phosphorescent (5:30pm), Pterodactyl (5:20pm), The Forms (5:10pm), Little Gold (5:00pm), White Diamonds (4:50pm), Taigaa! (4:40pm), Puttin' on the Ritz (4:30pm), Knyfe Hytes (4:20pm), Samara Lubelski (4:10pm), The Ballet (4:00pm), Beach Fossils (3:50pm), Mika Miko (3:40pm), Emilyn Brodsky (3:30pm), Teengirl Fantasy (3:20pm), Christy & Emily (3:10pm), Fiasco (3:00pm), Strange Boys (2:50pm), Broccoli Destroyer (2:40pm), Ponytail (2:20pm), Katie Eastburn (2:10pm), The Coathangers (2:00pm), Metal Mountains (1:50pm), Real Estate (1:40pm), Liturgy (1:30pm), Artanker with Heavy Friends (1:20pm), Extra Life (1:10pm), X-Ray Eyeballs (1:00pm), The Homosexuals (12:50pm), Hot Pink Carpet (12:40pm), Javelin (12:30pm), The Eskalators (12:20pm), The Vultures (12:10pm), Air Waves (12:00pm)

Fort Tilden Beach (UNAMPLIFIED ACOUSTIC BBQ 2009) All Ages

Sorry, this might be the ugliest yet most important post I have done. This week. But it is so chock full of info do you even care? Beth sure doesn't.

GLORY DAYS/DAZE.

BEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

I don't mean to get your hopes up, but I think the best show to have ever happened in the history of the world might be taking place this Sunday in Fort Tilden right by the beach. Just maybe. Not only is it happening in the far reaches of the loveliest Queens, but it is also being advertised as an "unamplified acoustic bbq" show. I LOVE bbqs. I LOVE acoustic music. I LOVE the beach. This is such a recipe for success, I can't even stand it! And, to make matters even more excitable, the bands playing make me not dread the hour long train ride awaiting me. Who is playing, you ponder? Well, let. me. tell. you.: The Eskalators, The Coathangers, The So So Glos, Pterodactyl, Mika Miko, Teengirl Fantasy, Ponytail, and (HOLY SHIT OMG SWOON) Phosphorescent, among many many others. You should really make it out to this show, because friend, I really think this might be the Matthew Hoch encounter that really counts and I doubt you would want to miss the beginning of our happy, happy life together.

Check this shit out if you like things that are good. And even if you don't. Because really, who wants to admit to not liking good things? Certainly not me.

Here's the full list of bands playing a la ohmyrockness.com: http://www.ohmyrockness.com/VenueDetail.cfm?VenueID=1038

Show starts at 12 in the afternoon. Don't be a jerk and show up fashionably late; The Eskalators go on at 12:20 and we can see right through your pretension anyways. BYOB and sunhat I'd imagine.

Looks like I'm home.

I haven't written in a while, but I was pretty busy. I drove downstate on a highway for the first time ever yesterday. I didn't kill anyone, so I consider it a success. This was after couchsurfing and undergoing some other uncomfortable sleeping situations for a week before moving into a great gay little cottage in the woods. There were deer in my backyard the day before I left as well as extremely bright fireflies. Do you know what's in my backyard now? Nothing because we don't have backyards in Queens. There is a plastic bag, however, staked on a pole outside, unsuccessfully meant to scare away pigeons. Nature?
Anyways, while it might not sound like it, I actually do like Queens. I've been telling everyone we're the new Brooklyn, and it's true. There are so many yuppies in knit hats with baby carriages, you can't even walk down the street. There's a wine and cheese bar up the block from where I grew up. We have a farmer's market. There's a hip music venue in goddamn Astoria, you know the place where all the college graduates you know are moving to. I met some guy that actually said "Rock On!" in all seriousness when I told him I was born and raised in Queens. Three years ago when I would say that, I would get a look similar to that if I said I was from Staten Island (Spoilers: the next Bushwick).
But the most important thing about Queens being hipshit is that now I, with complete legitimacy, can self-righteously bitch and moan about gentrification and how "those hipsters are taking over my neighborhood". It's every New Yorker's dream and I'M LIVIN' IT BITCHES. Try not to be too jealous.

But really though, check out the Exit 44 Music Festival in Astoria on Saturday, it should be rad. Emily will even make the truck out to this borough to join me for it!

Download BrooklynQueens by 3rd Bass.

Summer scaffolding (Hang around baby, baby)

Del Tha Funky Homosapien (can be spelled 10 different ways, I like this one...and he is AKA Deltron) is a lyrical mastermind who writes epic poetry then sets it to BEATS. Oh, he casually founded Hieroglyphics too. This is a summer song that will have you skipping instead of walking and rhyming instead of just talking, have all your friends' mouths open gawking and that piano isn't so bad either. Spoilers: Teren Delvon Jones is very handsome. 

Another key summer track is YACHT's "Psychic City." It oozes suntan lotion and makes me giggle because the opening sounds like Rubberband Man by The Spinners. Now that was a song.

Listen to Psychic City.

Train Tracks

I am eating an apple the size of my face. It is that big. I need both hands just to handle it.

Here We Go Magic (a Luke Temple project) is a five piece cuddle that I am really into these days. They are touring all over the great U.S.A. and will be coming to a city near you sometime this summer. The song "Fangala" has an upbeat strum strum guitar melody and (I'll cut to the chase) rather cutesy percussion but it is so damn catchy who cares? Below is the video for their song "Tunnelvision." Enjoy!

Play "Fangala"

Extra! Extra! Tasty summertime recipes for the economically savvy cooked up by yours truly:

1. Frozen mango chunks. YUM.

2. Ingredients: 1 slice of bread

   sriracha 

Serves: 1

Prep time: 5 seconds

Take bread and squirt sriracha all over it in a pretty pattern, fold bread in half and shove

in mouth. So good and provides essential summer nutrition. If you repeat this process enough times it becomes a satisfying and filling meal. 

Monday Rap Attack

Black Moon was (or is?) this gnarly rap trio from Brooklyn that released this single in 1992 off of their debut album Enta da Stage which is nice. They reside on Duck Down Records. Sounds suspicious. 

This song is fer rill groovy. Brings to mind People Under the Stairs and certain De La Soul songs with those jazzy beats. 

Who Got da Props?

Like any respectable rap trio in the 90s, they released a badass and rather tangy music video (with rapper introductions) to accompany their newborn single.